Plays One Page 23

  BEA. Until today.

  TERRI. Yes, no, no, it was an accident, Miss Grimble, you know how clumsy adolescents are.

  BEA. Indeed. (Pause.) Now, I must get this business straight. I’m sorry but I have to ask you, Terri: did you kiss Diane and umm, have you had an intimate relationship with her or anyone else for that matter?

  TERRI (almost shouts). Men. (Then.) Men, er, boys and then not intimate intimate, but you know …

  BEA. Thank you. That will do. And Diane, will you deign to tell us the truth about yourself?

  DIANE. I am a lesbian.

  BEA (quickly). Terri, you may go.

  TERRI bolts for the door and exits, shutting it behind her.

  I beg your pardon.

  DIANE (slowly). I said …

  BEA. Thank you, that will do. What do you mean by walking in here and …

  DIANE. But Miss Grimble, I know that hypocrisy is a value you don’t encourage. Surely you didn’t expect me to lie?

  BEA. Just what would you have me encourage?

  DIANE. I’ve never felt you would protect, let alone perpetuate prejudice.

  BEA. As far as awareness goes I’m taken to be a leading light in this authority, but I don’t need to remind you that we are very much stuck in a backwater – though whether this would be tolerated anywhere is doubtful. (Firmly.) Now, as long as you keep your private life to yourself, and the subject is never, I repeat, never mentioned in this establishment again – you can go.

  DIANE. It’s what I am, it’s not a hobby that I can keep shut up in an attic, even if I wanted to.

  BEA (controlled). You will keep quiet. Do you hear me?

  DIANE. If I don’t say it, who will? We are nowhere in history books, sex education leaves us out, the media makes us into gross caricatures, when society does recognise us, it’s only to oppress and …

  BEA (the voice of generous authority). Diane, while it is between you and me, I am prepared to let the matter rest, but once a name is put on it publicly, it will involve condemnation from staff, parents and pupils alike. And once the education authority gets wind, it could affect the whole community.

  DIANE (defiantly). That’s not my problem.

  Pause.

  BEA. In that case you’ll have to be transferred.

  DIANE. I won’t.

  BEA. I’m sure you need no reminding that I am the headmistress of this school, not the inspectorate of people’s preference of partner. You will do as I say or leave.

  DIANE. But I’m in the middle of my mocks.

  BEA. You should have thought of that before you tried to make a travesty of me. Get out of my sight.

  DIANE. But …

  BEA. NOW!

  DIANE exits to find TERRI outside.

  TERRI. What happened?

  DIANE (snaps). Well, I didn’t win no luxury cruise to Lesbos.

  TERRI. I don’t suppose you did, fancy coming out with it like that. What happened to what we agreed to say?

  DIANE. I didn’t agree to say anything.

  TERRI. You said to me to say what I felt best saying.

  DIANE. You felt best coming out with all that?!

  TERRI. The point is, I got away with it, didn’t I? Couldn’t you see that old Bea was prepared to accept anything but the truth? Rudest word she’s ever heard is pantie-girdle.

  DIANE. And that makes you feel better, getting away with what? A load of silly lies.

  TERRI (angry). Well, I hope you’re able to come up with a stronger word than silly because when the others find out, our lives will be hell.

  DIANE. That remains to be seen.

  TERRI. So all you’ve proved is that you’ve got more courage than me. (She half turns.)

  DIANE. Look, I didn’t mean …

  TERRI. No, and you didn’t have to either. (She exits.)

  DIANE. Terri? (She goes after her and bumps into CLAIRE.)

  CLAIRE. Hello, Diane, what’s happened?

  DIANE (nods towards BEA’s office). She reckons I’ve got to leave.

  CLAIRE (shocked). Leave?

  DIANE. Can you try and explain to her?

  CLAIRE. I’m not sure …

  DIANE (flatly). No, I didn’t think you would be.

  Exit DIANE. CLAIRE knocks on the door.

  BEA. Come.

  CLAIRE enters the office. BEA has tried to regain her air of authoritative calm.

  CLAIRE (tense). You wanted to see me, Miss Grimble.

  BEA. Ah, Mrs Anderson, do take a pew. I expect you have an inkling as to why I asked you here.

  CLAIRE. Well, I …

  BEA. I did try and get hold of you this morning, but you were rather elusive.

  CLAIRE. I’m sorry I was late.

  BEA. No matter. I have spoken to Mr Graham at EO6.

  CLAIRE. But I was only a few minutes late. I was here by the bell.

  BEA. No, no, that is of no consequence. Mr Graham was most understanding, although it’s slightly unusual. As from this week I’d like to appoint you as acting deputy head.

  CLAIRE. Do what? I mean, pardon?

  BEA. With an honorarium to your salary of course.

  CLAIRE. I’m sorry. I mean, what a surprise.

  BEA. I know you’re young, but your qualifications are first class, literally, and you’re a very popular member of this establishment with staff and pupils alike.

  CLAIRE. Thanks. Err … thank you. Thank you very much indeed. It’s a great honour.

  BEA. If you’ll forgive me for saying so, you look quite perplexed. What did you think I was going to say?

  CLAIRE. I thought it was about Diane Collier.

  BEA. Oh, that wretched child. It’s too despicable for words. I’ve been on to St Saviour’s only they won’t take her. They say they’ve got enough sexual perverts without starting a new trend with the girls.

  CLAIRE. But… (Carefully.) I mean … with all due respect, isn’t that a bit drastic?

  BEA. Drastic, no, I don’t think so. Heavens, you’re not condoning the girl? (Then.) Are you?

  CLAIRE. Heavens, no, (Beat.) no, (Beat.) no. It’s just that she’s very clever.

  BEA. Too damn bad. She’s got to go.

  CLAIRE. But forcing her to go isn’t very good publicity.

  BEA. It doesn’t bode too well, I agree. Now, as acting deputy head, have you got any better suggestions?

  CLAIRE. It did occur to me that maybe, if she agreed to see an Ed. Psych.

  BEA. Excellent, excellent. I’ll call Mr Forthingay.

  CLAIRE. No. I mean, I know he’s very good.

  BEA (nods). Knows his stuff.

  CLAIRE. But I’m thinking of one who specialises in this sort of thing.

  BEA. What’s his name?

  CLAIRE. Jean, Jean Boyd. She’s a woman.

  BEA (disappointed). Oh.

  CLAIRE (hopefully). She’s got a PhD.

  BEA. Very well, I’ll leave it in your capable hands and I’ll announce your appointment in assembly tomorrow.

  CLAIRE. Thank you, Miss Grimble.

  CLAIRE leaves the office, shutting the door behind her, and bumps into ROGER.

  ROGER. So what did she want?

  CLAIRE. You’ll know soon enough.

  ROGER. Go on, you can tell me.

  CLAIRE. Go away. (She starts to walk, ROGER trying to keep up with her.)

  ROGER. Luckily, I have more appeal for my students.

  CLAIRE. Because your discipline is atrocious.

  ROGER. I encourage them subtly, of course, to feel good about themselves.

  CLAIRE. Huh, subtlety is an adjective that has escaped your description for the best part of your life.

  ROGER. Like today I complimented them by telling them that one of the rewards of teaching A level English was that it attracted mostly girls. Unfortunately in my position it’s like looking at a box of chocolates when you’re on a diet.

  CLAIRE. I hope they reported you.

  ROGER. They loved it. Giggles and blushes all round. Had them eating out of my h
and. Except that Diane Whatsit girl. D’you want a lift home?

  CLAIRE. No, just get out of my way.

  Scene Seven

  Monday evening. POPPY and JEAN are in the living-room. Enter CLAIRE.

  POPPY. When she comes in I’m going to give her the biggest hug and kiss. Mum. (She rushes to meet her. CLAIRE picks her up and kisses her.)

  CLAIRE. How was school?

  POPPY. Horrible. I got told off again for talking and our teacher told us a story about Jesus being nailed to a cross and I said if that was on a film on telly my mum wouldn’t let me watch it. But d’you know what? She wanted us to draw a picture of it.

  CLAIRE. Oh. What did she say?

  POPPY. She said, next time I wanted to butt in, I was to put my hand up.

  CLAIRE (nods). Uh huh.

  POPPY. So I did.

  CLAIRE. Oh?

  POPPY. I had to. You know what she said next? That Jesus forgave the robbers and muggers that were hanging round him and they went to heaven.

  CLAIRE (shrugs). That’s how the story goes.

  POPPY. I said, if someone mugged my Nan I wouldn’t forgive them and my Nan would be really mad if they ended up in heaven with her. She would, wouldn’t she?

  CLAIRE. What did Miss Stokes say to that?

  POPPY. Get on and draw your picture. And guess what? Tony Sudenham did one of Jesus and used real blood.

  CLAIRE (shocked). Whose?

  POPPY. He cut his knee at playtime and there was enough for the hands. Show off. Huh, he cried when he fell over, though. The boys mostly did muggers with tattoos but our table didn’t. What did you do today?

  CLAIRE. Well, I got made acting deputy head.

  JEAN looks up from the book she’s reading.

  JEAN. That’s fantastic, well done.

  POPPY. Brillo, Mum. Now you can boss everyone about.

  CLAIRE. Not quite.

  POPPY (jumps up). I forgot, I forgot. I made a present for you. Wait there. (She exits.)

  CLAIRE. Thanks for collecting her for me.

  JEAN. It’s no trouble especially as your meeting with Miss Grimble proved fruitful. That’s great news, Claire, couldn’t be better.

  CLAIRE. Unfortunately, one small cloud on the horizon. Diane came out today …

  JEAN. Can’t you tactfully shut the closet door before she gets flushed away altogether.

  CLAIRE. In style, in the headmistress’s office, whilst the headmistress was still in there.

  JEAN. What is it they say, better latent than never?

  CLAIRE. Really, Jean, that’s a Roger Cunningham remark!

  JEAN. Sorry. Mind, it’s a great idea for updating a Bessie Bunter story.

  CLAIRE. Beatrix the matrix wants her transferred to St Saviour’s.

  JEAN. St Saviour’s??!

  CLAIRE. Only they won’t take her.

  JEAN. If she’s in the sixth form she could leave.

  CLAIRE. But she stands to get at least two A levels.

  JEAN. Oh, how we cling to academia.

  CLAIRE. I suggested that we get an Ed. Psych, in.

  JEAN. Are you mad? They’re all a bunch of wankers.

  CLAIRE. Not just any Ed. Psych.

  JEAN. Oh, I’m with you. It’s okay by me.

  CLAIRE. You know, just nod and mutter a few clichés.

  JEAN (agreeing). Yes, some large fib about if a fuss is made of this at this stage it could be habit-forming.

  CLAIRE. That’s it, that sort of thing.

  JEAN. Talking of which, I hope you didn’t betray yourself.

  CLAIRE (flatly). Throughout the day I invalidated myself three times. If that’s what you mean.

  JEAN. And a cock crowed thrice?

  CLAIRE. Roger Cunningham visibly preened himself but his feathers will soon ruffle when he hears of my promotion.

  Re-enter POPPY with a large piece of paper, rolled up, in one hand, and a book in the other.

  POPPY. Here it is. (Unrolling the paper.) It’s a picture of a woman holding the world still.

  CLAIRE. Poppy, it’s lovely. Thank you. We’ll put it on the wall.

  POPPY. Mum, would it be okay if Sharon comes round tonight?

  CLAIRE. Yes, I should think so.

  Doorbell.

  POPPY. That’ll be her. (She rushes to the door.)

  CLAIRE (laughs). Just as well I said yes.

  POPPY (off). Hello Nan, hello Sharon. Mum’s in there.

  JOYCE. Thank you, Poppy.

  JEAN and CLAIRE exchange glances. JEAN gets up as JOYCE enters.

  There you are. (She sees JEAN.) Oh hello …

  JEAN (nods). Joyce.

  JOYCE. That’s funny, that’s my name too.

  JEAN. I know, hello Joyce, my name’s Jean.

  JOYCE. Oh yes, sorry Jean. You know a friend of Poppy’s walked up the street with me.

  CLAIRE. Oh, that’s Sharon.

  JOYCE. She looked at me like I was off the telly and said, ‘Hey, are you Poppy’s Nan?’ Like I was wonderful or something.

  CLAIRE (teasing). You’re complaining about that?

  JOYCE. I just wonder what the child has told her, any rate, that’s not the point.

  CLAIRE. Do you want a cuppa tea?

  JOYCE. I didn’t come all the way over here to have a cup of tea, did I? That’s what you think of me, shut the old girl up with a cup of tea.

  CLAIRE. Sorry.

  JOYCE. I know. I know. But I’ve been stewing on it all day. Colin had a quiet word with me yesterday and he’s so worried about Val. He asked me if I’d pop round this evening because he has to work late but we’re not to let on to Val.

  CLAIRE. We?

  JOYCE. You get on with her so much better than me. It’s just a feeling; I don’t know – you know what they’re like these medical people – love drama – take you away in the middle of the night, so if you weren’t disorientated in the first place, you soon will be, waking up in an ambulance at two in the morning.

  CLAIRE. They won’t be able to take Val to hospital if she doesn’t want to go.

  JOYCE. She just seems to have let go of herself. Please, Claire?

  JEAN. Don’t worry, I’ll see that Sharon gets home all right.

  CLAIRE. Okay, Mum, I’ll come with you. I’ll get my coat and tell Poppy where I’m going.

  JOYCE. Thanks. (Exit CLAIRE. Silence.) Claire told me you’re one of these psychological people. What do you think about our Val?

  JEAN I don’t really know her, but from what I can see, I think she’s just unhappy.

  JOYCE. Humph. Well, happiness doesn’t grow on trees.

  JEAN. Nor does powerlessness.

  Enter CLAIRE with her coat on.

  CLAIRE. Come on, I’m ready.

  Scene Eight

  VAL’s living-room. VAL, COLIN, SID JNR and WALTER.

  COLIN. Right, shall I put these two to bed before I pop out?

  VAL (shakes her head). No.

  COLIN. Don’t worry, I’ll only be twenty minutes at most. I’m sorry, I’ve got to get this paperwork back to Tim, it won’t wait until the morning. You wouldn’t believe how hectic things are at the office. All of a sudden Easter holidays have become very popular.

  VAL (flatly, quietly). You don’t have to spy on me.

  COLIN. Val, please … love, don’t give in to those ideas. (VAL turns away.) Believe me, I only want what’s best, really. Anything, Val … I’d do anything to get you back to your old self. (VAL nods.) I’m just at a loss as to what to do. Are you sure you’ll be all right … you only have to say.

  VAL (nods). You go.

  COLIN. Like I say, I won’t be long. Okay, I’m going. (He puts on a jacket.) Now Walter, Sid, behave yourselves until Daddy gets back. (He kisses VAL and exits.)

  COLIN has left his briefcase behind.

  SID. I’m a condor.

  WALTER. I’m a condor.

  Both play aeroplanes, making appropriate noises, running round the settee on which VAL sits.

  WALTER. Mummy, play. Control over
. Come in. Over, over.

  SID. Control Tower come in. Mummy! Come in! Mummy!

  VAL lies on the settee.

  WALTER (shakes her gently). Mum, you are the control tower.

  SID. She’s not.

  WALTER. Mummy no good.

  SID. Come on. Nice Mum.

  WALTER. Sleep. No good.

  SID. Mummy runway.

  WALTER. Yeah, Mummy play.

  They both run round the settee. Then one at a time crawl over VAL, stand on the arm of the settee and jump off. They are about to do it for a second time when VAL grabs WALTER, not viciously, and sits him on the floor. In the tussle a glass of orange juice gets knocked over. WALTER isn’t hurt but shocked, wailing.

  Ahh, Mummy, ahhhhhhhh, it hurts, it hurts.

  SID. Orange gone. Broken. Mummy. (He starts wailing.)

  Both continue to cry. VAL, helpless, sits, vaguely stroking their hair. SID looks at the glass.

  Orange gone.

  WALTER. Get nother one.

  SID. Play boats, play boats.

  WALTER. Yeah.

  They both exit to the kitchen. The sound of a scraping chair as they drag it across to the sink and then the sound of a tap running. COLIN re-enters.

  COLIN. Forgot the sodding papers, didn’t I? (He picks up his briefcase but is torn by the sight of VAL.). Val, love, please just talk to me. I don’t know what to do, can’t you see how much I love you?

  VAL. I don’t want to take responsibility for this relationship any longer.

  COLIN (gently). Val, I don’t know what you mean. I don’t come from a home, a place where relationships were discussed. If anything was wrong something got broken after a lot of shouting, I understand that. How do you expect me to cope with this? No one ever taught me what to do or how to behave, let alone how to respond, it’s not the sort of thing that ever gets mentioned in schools. What’s the use of knowing that Barnes Wallis invented the bouncing bomb or what SALT stands for, or remembering the French for grapefruit when you’ve never ever been to France. And nothing, if I could remember it all, nothing would be of help, I learnt nothing that I could apply to my life. (Pause.) I love you because you’re strong. I never wanted a woman at home who was little more than a servant because that’s all my dad knew of marriage. I don’t want a wife, not in that sense, but I want you, Val, you, you and the boys – you’re all I’ve got. I’m so proud of you. I want to make this work. Just tell me what to do and I will try. Honest to God, Val, I need you. Can’t you …