Plays One Read online

  Pause.

  I never really liked being a mother much. I’d always looked forward to the time when we could be friends. (Slight pause.) God knows, the company round here is awful. (Picks up the video.)

  ROWENA (takes the video from JENNIFER). Is that what you do? Watch these things with him?

  JENNIFER. I used to but not any more. If they did to dogs what they do to women on the screen, there’d be a public uproar.

  ROWENA. But he still buys them.

  JENNIFER. I did once dump the lot in a bucket of water, but not unpredictably he took violent exception to the event.

  ROWENA. Not surprising.

  JENNIFER. Do you know how much they cost?

  ROWENA. Tough.

  Scene Twelve

  TREVOR is putting the finishing touches to the table. YVONNE and RON are coming to dinner. The sound of a door slamming.

  TREVOR. Not a moment too soon, love, look. (He gestures towards the table.) All my own work. They’ll be here any minute. Oh no, what’s up? This evening visiting is getting a real bind. Don’t tell me, Hilary’s murdered Heathcliffe and hidden him in a cupboard.

  ROWENA. She’s left the job.

  TREVOR. I’ll restrain myself from saying I told you so.

  ROWENA. Fucking hell.

  TREVOR. Suppose it was quite ungrateful of her.

  ROWENA. There’s a limit to gratitude.

  TREVOR. I know sometimes it’s really tedious when people don’t behave according to plan.

  ROWENA. Ron has been offering her lifts home and automatically assumed he could sleep with her.

  TREVOR. She shouldn’t have accepted the lifts then, she’s not as innocent as that.

  ROWENA (sarcastic). It’s that simple, that clear cut, isn’t it?

  TREVOR. It’s not as if she’s averse to sleeping with men for gain.

  ROWENA. Oh fuck off.

  TREVOR. Look, you know things aren’t good mutually – and I used the word advisedly – between him and Yvonne, so he has a bit on the side.

  ROWENA (louder). A bit on the side?! So it could be anyone – he has a universal right …

  TREVOR. She only had to say no – like you do, often enough. If matricide means beating the mattress to death we can both plead not guilty with a free conscience.

  ROWENA. Don’t you understand at all why I’m so angry?

  TREVOR. Why take it out on me? I haven’t done anything.

  ROWENA. Except condone the idea that half the human race are mere objects with suitable orifices.

  TREVOR. Don’t be totally ridiculous.

  The doorbell rings.

  ROWENA. Don’t answer it.

  TREVOR. For God’s sake, stop acting like a petulant child. She’s your friend, make a bloody effort. (He opens the door. Very politely.) Hello Ron, Yvonne, how nice to see you … come in … Row’s just got in from work … I don’t know if you want to change, darling.

  ROWENA. What into – a mute frog?

  RON. Oh there’s no need, you look perfectly lovely, Row.

  TREVOR. Row? Drink everyone? (He pours them all a glass of wine.) There you go … umm, well … Row?

  ROWENA. Just adjusting the bonhommie to automatic pilot. How are you Yvonne?

  TREVOR (to RON). Can’t seem to get her out of jeans these days.

  YVONNE. The same. I’ve written to publishing firms about another job.

  ROWENA. Good.

  TREVOR. Shall we take a pew before the avocados shrivel before our eyes? Yvonne? Ron? (He gestures towards the table. They sit.)

  ROWENA. Time for the last supper.

  ROWENA sits.

  RON. This all looks very good. There was really no need you know. That girl was a good worker but I suppose you know she up and left.

  ROWENA. Yes.

  RON. It was the hours.

  ROWENA. I heard.

  RON. It was nice to have her about the place – bright spark.

  ROWENA. I’m sure.

  RON. I’d be willing to give her another chance.

  ROWENA. How chivalrous of you.

  RON. Don’t worry, it won’t prejudice me against anyone else you might put my way.

  ROWENA (deliberately drops a knife on her plate, pause). You’ve got a nerve.

  RON. A charm, a certain brash charm.

  YVONNE. Charm? Charm, my arm.

  RON. No need for pleasantries, love.

  ROWENA (to RON). How dare you rape that woman.

  RON. That’s no woman, that’s my wife.

  ROWENA. Hilary, one of my clients.

  RON. Don’t be so possessive. I was one of her clients, and do you mind, there was no force involved.

  ROWENA. No fucking choice involved.

  TREVOR. Rowena, you’re giving fucking a bad name.

  RON. Look, I did her a favour, I gave her a job don’t forget.

  ROWENA. I’m not about to, nor is she.

  RON. At least she’s now got some work experience.

  ROWENA. I don’t believe this.

  RON. And of course I’d be prepared to give her a reference.

  ROWENA. Oh, I’m sure, I’m sure.

  RON. So, right? There’s no need to take on, okay.

  ROWENA. You bastard.

  TREVOR (still trying to save the situation). Now you’re taking the name of the illegitimate in vain.

  The following lines, up to RON’s and TREVOR’s exit, are all delivered at top speed and volume.

  ROWENA. Get stuffed.

  TREVOR. Just shut it, will you?

  YVONNE. Why should she?

  RON. You stay out of this.

  ROWENA. Why should she?

  TREVOR. Just leave it.

  YVONNE. Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you?

  RON. Who told you to open your trap?

  TREVOR. For Chrissakes, drop it.

  YVONNE (to RON). Who gave you the right to breathe?

  RON. Shut it before I shut it for you.

  ROWENA. Get out of my sight. Get out of my house.

  TREVOR. Leaving aside the theory, all property is theft. It’s our house.

  YVONNE. Clever Trevor.

  ROWENA. Shut up Trevor.

  TREVOR (to YVONNE). You make me sick.

  YVONNE. The feeling’s mutual.

  RON. Just bloody well piss off.

  ROWENA. No, you piss off yourself.

  TREVOR. Shut up.

  YVONNE. No, you shut up.

  TREVOR. You stupid bitch.

  RON (to ROWENA and YVONNE). You make me ill – the pair of you.

  YVONNE (screams). Then get out.

  RON. Don’t worry. I won’t spend another moment with you – you fucking hysterical hag.

  YVONNE. The truth, the elusive truth, slipped inadvertently from the pig’s mouth.

  RON. I’m off. (He goes out.) Witch.

  TREVOR. Ron wait for me. (He goes out.)

  Long pause.

  ROWENA. Ah, well, Trevor never makes enough for four.

  YVONNE. I’m not very hungry.

  ROWENA. What are you going to do?

  YVONNE. Leave him.

  Scene Thirteen

  A cold but sunny spring day. ROWENA, YVONNE and JENNIFER are having a picnic. The atmosphere between them is warm and relaxed. The pace is slow.

  JENNIFER. I don’t think I’ve been on a picnic since you were little.

  ROWENA. I must confess it wasn’t a habit I thought I’d be keeping up.

  YVONNE. It’s nice though … reminds me of when I was a kid … rolling down grass slopes in the park …

  ROWENA. Trying to fend off the wasps from the jam sandwiches …

  YVONNE. Playing run outs …

  ROWENA. Playing on the swings in the park till after dark.

  JENNIFER. When the only thing you had to worry about was forgetting your dinner money for school.

  YVONNE. I didn’t even have to worry about that. I used to get free school dinners.

  ROWENA. And I had packed lunches and (To JENNIFER:) you
used to throw anything in them that just happened to be in the fridge at the time …

  YVONNE. Which, as far as I remember, was usually beetroot …

  ROWENA. That’s right, we used to share my packed lunches, and your dinner tickets and have two dinners together a week …

  YVONNE. And sell off the extra one and spend the money in the tuck shop on Fridays.

  JENNIFER. I see … It’s all coming out now … Did you ever sell off the packed lunches?

  ROWENA. You must be joking. We’d have had to pay someone to eat beetroot sandwiches.

  All laugh. Then silence.

  JENNIFER. I always used to loathe the spring …

  YVONNE. Seems one of the most unlikely things to loathe.

  JENNIFER. All that stuff about everything new … growing … new start and all that only served to make me want to squash it all.

  ROWENA. You’ve never allowed yourself to be optimistic …

  JENNIFER. I think it was more the awful feeling of being left behind. (Pause.) Still, at last I’m starting to blossom. I’ve become more adventurous in my old age.

  YVONNE. You’ve got the Family Planning Association to sponsor a flower arranging exhibition?

  JENNIFER. No, that was a load of rubbish … I’m going on holiday to Greece. How’s that for starters?

  ROWENA. Nice. Are you going on your own?

  JENNIFER. Originally yes, but I wondered if you two wanted to come with me …

  YVONNE. That sounds like a great idea …

  ROWENA. Hang on, we can’t even afford …

  JENNIFER. On me I meant. It’s the least I can do to make up for the beetroot sandwiches.

  ROWENA. When?

  JENNIFER. Easter?

  ROWENA (to YVONNE). What do you think?

  YVONNE. I’d love it.

  JENNIFER. Right, that’s settled then.

  Silence.

  ROWENA. Well, I suppose we better start making a move … get all this packed up.

  YVONNE. I sort of wish we didn’t have to go back …

  JENNIFER. If we stay here much longer we won’t have to, we’ll die from exposure …

  YVONNE. Shame the sun had to go in.

  JENNIFER. The sun never goes in. It just gets obscured by clouds.

  ROWENA. Very poetic, Mother.

  JENNIFER. See, how’s that for optimism?

  Scene Fourteen

  Tube station. It is 10.30 p.m. A man enters. There is the sound of a train pulling in. He sits on a bench, half-asleep, free to doze. ROWENA rushes on to the platform. As the train pulls out another man enters smoking a cigarette. There is the sound off of a tube approaching on another platform. The man looks at his watch. Pause. He casually saunters up the platform towards ROWENA who doesn’t look at him. Long pause. He then says something to her which we don’t hear. She turns away and weighs up the options of whether to run back up an empty, dark passageway or stay where she is. She moves away from him deciding that the next train will arrive any minute and she’ll be safe. He approaches her again very fast. Very close to her face. She shoves him violently. He falls on the track. There is the sound of a train. Simultaneous blackout. Lights flash on ROWENA looking back at the track. Blackout. The train screeches to a halt.

  Scene Fifteen

  Music: the tune from Scene Eight. A POLICEWOMAN stands in the shadow behind ROWENA. There is the sound of a knock at the door and then front door opening. All dialogue to the end of the scene is pre-recorded.

  ROWENA. Hello Hilary I …

  HILARY. Go to hell.

  ROWENA (firmly). Hang on. (Then:) The nursery rang to say that Heathcliffe hasn’t been for the last couple of days. Is he all right?

  HILARY. He’s okay so you can stop concerning yourself.

  ROWENA. Then why hasn’t he … ?

  HILARY (very aggressive). Cos I ain’t bin well.

  ROWENA (relieved). Oh, I see. (Then:) Have you been off work?

  HILARY. You’re quick.

  ROWENA. Don’t worry, I’m sure Ron will understand.

  HILARY. I’m sure he does.

  ROWENA. Luckily he and his wife are coming round to dinner this evening. I’ll explain …

  HILARY. Save yerself the trouble. I’ve told him to stuff his job.

  ROWENA (pause). Well … sure … if that’s your choice.

  HILARY (shouts). Just what’s it to you anyway? Nothing. All you bloody care about is Heathcliffe. You don’t give a bleedin’ monkeys about me.

  ROWENA. Look, can I come in … ?

  HILARY. No, you can fuck off.

  ROWENA. Hilary …

  HILARY. I wish to God I’d never set eyes on you – you and your bleedin’ friends.

  ROWENA. He did give you a job.

  HILARY. Yeah, oh yeah, and I’ll give you three guesses what he expected in return an’ all.

  ROWENA. What?

  HILARY. What d’you think? Use yer imagination.

  ROWENA. The bastard! Hilary I’m sorry …

  HILARY. And that’s about all you can afford to be an’ all. ‘Sorry’. ’Cos you ain’t ever going to know what it’s like to be thrown on the shit heap. You got enough qualifications, security and money to have some sodding choice. Well mine is the D bloody HSS crap. Or on me back. What a bloody joke and I thought working was s’posed to give you some self-respect. Ha bloody ha.

  ROWENA (angry rather than lost for words). God, I don’t know what to say.

  HILARY. Why bother to say anything? You just have your nice dinner party, smooth everything over and live happily ever after.

  The sound of the front door slamming.

  Scene Sixteen

  Courtroom. JUDGE, COUNSEL FOR THE PROSECUTION.

  JUDGE. Mrs Stone. Mrs Stone. (ROWENA faces the JUDGE.) We have heard the evidence, including extensive psychiatric reports which suggest you are removed, vague, uninvolved, and failed to maintain normal, acceptable patterns of communication. Prudish to the point of being sexually repressed – frigid. Is there anything you would like to say?

  ROWENA. Yes. (She reads from a piece of paper.) Douglas Coles pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of his wife and got two years’ probation because it was proved she was neurotic and nagged. Gordon Asher strangled his wife and got a six-month suspended sentence. (In future productions more up-to-date examples can be substituted for these.)

  JUDGE. Please don’t waste this court’s valuable time with irrelevant material. You have chosen to present your own defence. I suggest you do so by re-examining in your own words the events leading up to the crime.

  ROWENA (pause). He spoke to me.

  PROSECUTION. I am speaking to you. Do you mean to say that if I were standing in a tube station I might meet my end?

  ROWENA does not respond.

  What did he say to you?

  ROWENA. I don’t remember.

  PROSECUTION. You don’t remember? (He speaks louder.) Do you remember the crime? The consequences? The punishment for a few words exchanged?

  Silence.

  JUDGE. Please try to elaborate a little, Mrs Stone.

  ROWENA. I’d been to see a film, a pornographic film. I was extremely angry.

  JUDGE. You are not at liberty to avenge the pornography industry in this country. We have censorship laws for that.

  ROWENA. The laws are a load of cock.

  PROSECUTION. Mrs Stone, I really must …

  JUDGE. Indeed, the laws will need looking into if they provoke this callous sort of attack from so-called sane women. What was this film?

  ROWENA. A snuff movie.

  PROSECUTION (in response to JUDGE’s puzzled look). M’lud, a film or films made in the United States where, according to reliable reports, the participant is actually killed in front of the camera.

  JUDGE. What, in real life?

  PROSECUTION. Yes, m’lud.

  JUDGE. So, on seeing this film you thought you’d go out and kill a man?

  ROWENA. No, it was a coincidence. I didn’t want to speak to that ma
n. He insisted, when he got too close for comfort I became angry and shoved him.

  PROSECUTION. Unfortunately, on to the line, at the time when the train was coming. Why didn’t you shove him back on to the platform?

  ROWENA. I …

  PROSECUTION. Because this was an act committed in cold blood, regardless of the accused’s inexplicable preamble … Watching a film cannot be construed as anything but an objective experience. The man was a complete stranger and there is no foreseeable way that it could be described as a crime of passion. He leaves a wife who would not be a widow today if it had not been for the calculated acts of this woman.

  ROWENA. What was he doing harassing me then?

  PROSECUTION. Harassing you? You can’t even remember what he said. ’Have you got a light?’, or ‘Can you tell me the time?’ Are you seriously suggesting that innocent remarks should be deemed incitement to murder?

  JUDGE. Mrs Stone we have heard the evidence. One thing is indisputable. A man has lost his life as the direct consequence of the action taken against him by you. A man whom you have admitted you never met before. I would suggest to you that the evidence you have put forward is nothing more than an irrelevant fabrication to further some fanatical belief that the laws concerning pornography in this country are inadequate. But that is of no concern here.

  He looks at her. She looks directly back at him.

  Do you understand, Mrs Stone, that it is now up to this court to determine whether you are guilty or not guilty?

  Silence.

  CLERK (voice over). All stand.

  ROWENA and the POLICEWOMAN move forward into an ’empty’ room. The POLICEWOMAN sits on a bench.

  Scene Seventeen

  ROWENA and POLICEWOMAN. ROWENA is absorbed in her own thoughts. There is silence.

  POLICEWOMAN. Is there anything I can get for you … ?

  ROWENA. What? Oh. No … Thanks.

  POLICEWOMAN. Cigarette. (She offers her one.) What was it like?

  ROWENA. Sorry?

  POLICEWOMAN. The film you saw.

  ROWENA. Oh, that.

  POLICEWOMAN. What was it like? Er, don’t … If you don’t want to.